A Silent Scream

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just a thought

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Life is exactly like a raving asylum deep in the forest. Unexpected.

What I need in life is overall so hard to achieve. Excellent grades in studies, a voice that can soothe others, a pretty face which everyone would actually admire. But all of that is nothing compared to be loved or to love people around you. And as for me, it’s hard. It is hard loving or to be loved. I do not trust anyone.

I don’t trust them to love me, to care, to know anything about me. Maybe they are just trying to make me feel better so they just act like they care, like they wanted to know. But I don’t want them to know or give me advice. I just want them to listen, and technically just to understand what it feels like to be me. That’s my main problem, I am the problem. Not them.

Sometimes, I just feel sick. I feel sick that I don’t give any opportunity for people to at least contribute something to me. As I understand, some of them, they are truly sincere about what they are trying to do, they are trying to help. I’m being utterly violent by not appreciating anything they’ve done to help.

My mind never stopped thinking. Speaking to my own self. At times, it doesn’t sound at all. My brain is ravaged by silence. I couldn’t help but let it be. Let it control itself. Let it murmur. I’m affected by the way I think. By the way my brain made me feel. I feel unloved. It’s like my brain has a mind of its own. Telling me that everyone gradually will leave me, no matter how I will try to stop them. They will.

animal totem

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So I am literally hoping that this post won’t end up like the other post I tried to write the other day. I was typing a post which was actually more than 500 words. And BAM! I posted it, it was a blank post. Tried to retrieve it but failed. There goes one of the worst days of my life…

Cats are the best. I actually consider them as my animal totem. My life is filled with cats. Cats stories, kittens, cats’ food, cats etc. On Saturday night, I got home and found FIVE bloody dead cat embryos lying on the floor. And of course, I was shocked. Cried so much. It was technically one of my worst nightmares so. It was my cat, Meyo. They were hers 😦

But yesterday, my dad bought home a new kitty cat. It was a black one, pretty. I decided to name her Tami. Yay! Lost 5, got a new one instead. Thank you universe!

We had our exam today. I’m glad because tomorrow is our last paper. I can’t wait to finish and holiday is around the corner 🙂

 

in tense

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So I was thinking of two words “intense” and “in tense”. Technically, those words really sums up my life for now. I’m intensely in tense.

Exam week. More papers to go. So far, I don’t have any confidence of obtaining any As for any of my papers. It’s like, I did study but it’s just not enough and I keep sighing at the fact that I have to study so I ended up not studying at all. 

School is perhaps one of the most ridiculous things that has ever existed in my whole life. If I had to choose between having school or having a tutor at home, of course, I would definitely choose to stay at home. School is the reason you have enemies. School is the reason your parents choose to compare you to the other kids because they’re better than you. School is the reason why you became a ruined person. School is the reason why you lose friends. But thanks to school, you’re better than not educated at all, right?

 

time kills

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My sadness never went away, literally. It’s like a ghost living inside me. But, what can I do about it?

I tried to shut up, I tried not to cry, I tried not to care, but I got tired. I miss them. I miss how they used to be. I miss their efforts. I miss how I was happy inside and out. 

Now it’s like everyone is fading away, simply not caring anymore. 

I’m just here right now, blinking my eyes to every seconds I’ve wasted on writing this post, reluctantly. You see, I just need to let it all out so I could forget all of it. But I know, it will never happen. Memories stick with you till the end unless you’re diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Aside

Talking about dreams, each and every one of

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Talking about dreams, each and every one of us will start talking about wealth, relationships, career, money and all that. As for me, what I really want in life is that I want to live my life to fullest. Well, some people may be like “Oh, that is quite lame..” but I have my own reasons.

Last few months, I was diagnosed with lipoma. It is a tumour which is located on the left side of my neck. At first, I freaked out, afraid it was cancerous. Thank God, it is not. But the doctor advised me to remove it. Because eventually, it will grow. So, I have to wake up every single morning with medicines and all those stuffs. I find it exhausting though. Sometimes, I just wish I could put an end to it. 

Life is unexpected. We will never know what would happen in the future. In the future though, I wish I would have my own family, my own kids, my own cosy little house as I never wished for a huge one and also, I could actually picture myself being a doctor or a scientist or a vet. I would wake up every morning with kisses on my children’s cheeks and their happy faces looking at me. But I know, all of it needs effort.

It’s just that, I hope my life will get better in the future. Aamiin.

not cool

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I do not know why nowadays, people tend to “wear” the term depressed even when they are not. I mean, why do you want such things? Why do you want to be depressed? I don’t get it. Some people who actually have inner depression, does not even tell everyone that they actually have the sickness. You, that does not even know what depression is, you brag to everyone that you have depression? Why? Seriously.

Second, people start revealing the dark evil sides of themselves. They started to be like “I’m the most evil person on Earth! Not you!”.. Are you seriously proud of that? Clearly, it is not amusing. Not even a bit. But, this is all I can say to you, God bless.

People, please. Spread the positives. Even if you have your dark sides or evil alter ego or whatever you call it, do not encourage it to take actions. Because in the end, it will definitely kill yourself. Trust me.

Did You Smile Today?

talinorfali

In life one of the most incredible and beautiful feelings are the ones that we can see and that is smiling. In life I have learned to be positive and take things as it comes by. In the morning when I wake up, I look in the mirror and smile. When I smile I feel like my day is going to go well and it does. I know some people smile physically, but they are hurting on the inside and they try to hide their true feelings with smiling on the outside. I know sometimes smiling can be painful and nobody would know the hurt they are enduring. Trust me, it is normal and we all go through phases in life and things happen in our lives that we least expect, but nothing is as great as a smile. It is contagious and felt by many. It makes the public…

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Aside

tabled coffee

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I think I want to start with today’s agenda. Since I am technically bored and I do not have anything else to do. Thanks to my laptop. Thanks to mum who paid for the wifi and paid for my drinks, etc. Today was an unproductive day at school. Let us start with my morning. So, I woke up at 5 something. On my way to school, I listened to numbers of ridicule songs. Mum told me I should get a counselor when she listened to my music. She was concerned that I felt lonely and all that. But, it doesn’t really matter to me though. It’s not about my surroundings or anything. It is typically just me.

Morning at school was gloomy. I did not talk much during Physics class. Just too tired. I mean, I seriously need five days of rest for now. Plus, with my mathematical and logical thinking ability, I don’t think five days of rest are going to be enough.

I quit motivating myself forward, which I have no idea why. I keep complaining and getting mad at myself for not doing things good enough.

Recess was cool. Though, I missed my best friends. They were doing librarian stuffs in the library, of course. I interviewed for the post for librarians, but they didn’t accept me. Well, just no luck for me, I guess?

We watched videos. Laughed so much. Izzat tried to mimic Treetrunks’s voice from the Adventure Time. Joke accepted. Whenever I looked at his face when he was making that attempt, I seriously wanted to scream out loud saying “Dude, stop it, you’re embarrassing yourself!!” But, thinking that he is my best friend made me stop myself from shouting in his face. Good times, though.

He’s a good friend but Am and I, was always trying to motivate him to be tougher and all that. We know, he could do better.

Today’s evening, we listened to Izzat’s rants and how he was trying to convince us that he will live under a rock in the future and that was a dream to fulfill. Finally, he told us he was joking but nah, we were like, the joke is better when you do not joke about it. You get me?

I am now at home, on Twitter, Tumblr and this blog for my babbles. I better get ready for tomorrow’s agenda!!